1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,880 This programme contains strong language adult humour 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:05,600 and some scenes of a sexual nature 3 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,640 I've got your scraps. 4 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,880 Uh-uh! What's the magic word? 5 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,760 - I love you. - Good boy. 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,720 I always knew when you left you'd come back to me. 7 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,720 Please let me sleep in the house. This isn't fair. 8 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,000 - You can't keep me in here forever. - It's not that simple, Nicky. 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,360 You see, we have the small problem of everyone hating you. 10 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,760 Like, hates your guts. 11 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,560 They wish you were dead more than Josie. 12 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,880 It's only a matter of time, but we can't rush things. 13 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,720 - I'll let you know. - Wait... 14 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,720 Josie. Thank God. We have to rush. 15 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,280 I've run the calculations, and you're ovulating. 16 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,760 - No, no. - Yes, you are. I wouldn't be 17 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,000 a very thoughtful husband if I didn't track your cycle. 18 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,640 I've checked the viscosity of your discharge, 19 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,000 and you're definitely ovulating. 20 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,680 This is your fertile peak for the next 24 hours. 21 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,480 - You're perfectly breedable. - Well, what can I say? 22 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,360 Your data's wrong. 23 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:01,520 I'm on my period. 24 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,040 Argh! 25 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,440 Why is menstrual maths so complicated? 26 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,120 This is exactly why the Guardian thinks we need more women in STEM. 27 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:13,600 Leave! 28 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,280 Er, Dev. 29 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,520 Is there a problem? 30 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,440 I'm just not sure I can work with this. 31 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,360 You noticed. I'm sorry. It's nothing to do with you. 32 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,200 I totally fancy you. It's not that at all. 33 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,560 I didn't think it was. 34 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,080 I'm usually your rock down there, you know. 35 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,280 But I... 36 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,000 Can I... Can I be honest? 37 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,400 I guess I'm just feeling a little off. 38 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,920 Oh, dear. Do you think it's because you're not contributing 39 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,520 to the house? 40 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,920 Well, I brought Lisa, didn't I? 41 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:59,480 Hmm. I'm just not sure how a boat factors into our everyday lives. 42 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:00,880 Don't be silly, Deb. 43 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,280 The lovely Lisa's a beautiful old girl. 44 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,480 She's the last time I truly felt like a man. 45 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,320 Captain of my own ship, you know. 46 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,840 She's going to help me find myself. 47 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,800 Are you sure you didn't find yourself at work, 48 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,560 but you've just forgotten? 49 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,360 Where was the last place you left yourself? 50 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,240 It's always the last place you look. 51 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:23,840 Maybe you could retrace your steps in your office at Drayton Hicks. 52 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,200 Honestly, not a day goes by I don't think about it. 53 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,440 They even offered me that promotion, team leader role, 54 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,880 head of communications. 55 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,520 They called yesterday and offered me more money. But... 56 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,320 But what, darling? 57 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,040 I'm just not that man any more. 58 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,440 Brilliant news, girls. Dev's going back to work. 59 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,480 - What?! - Yep. Heard it straight from the horse's mouth. 60 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,960 Just needs a little push to find his confidence. 61 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,560 Tomorrow morning, we're going to get the old Dev back. 62 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:54,960 But we didn't even like the old Dev. 63 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,680 Yeah, neither did I, but the new one's a lot worse. 64 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,760 What? 65 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,240 Where the fuck's the boat gone? 66 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,160 It was collected this morning to be dropped at the docks 67 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,280 so it's ready for us. 68 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,960 You didn't say we were going on the bloody boat. 69 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,280 So are you coming to help get Dev's manhood back? 70 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,680 - Well, I'm going to fucking have to now, aren't I? - Oh. 71 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,520 You coming as well? That's great! 72 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,320 Now we're just waiting for Josie and Seb. 73 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,440 Wait for me! Wait for me. 74 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,320 I'm hoping the seasickness might discombobulate him 75 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,080 out of trying to conceive. He knows I'm ovulating. 76 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,080 He's so determined, when he comes inside me, 77 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,440 he's started chanting, "Get in there, my son." 78 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,640 You could just tell him you don't want to have his baby, 79 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,960 you know, confront him. Tell the truth. 80 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,360 Some people can't handle the truth. 81 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,880 Yeah, you. 82 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,120 HORN BEEPS 83 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,480 - DEV: - Come on, gang! 84 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,080 Here she is. 85 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,040 Oh! I can't tell you how wonderful it feels 86 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,200 to be back on top of the lovely Lisa. 87 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,720 - You really need both of those? - Can't be too careful. 88 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,120 I'm carrying precious cargo. 89 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:08,920 - Would the ladies like some help? - Er, no, thanks. 90 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,200 These are heavy. We'll wait for Deb. 91 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,200 What the bloody hell are you doing? 92 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,880 Don't undermine that man. 93 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,120 I spent all morning working on his confidence. 94 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,400 I don't see why it's our job to do that. You broke him. 95 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,200 - I didn't break Dev. - You did. 96 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,280 Think about it. He was a successful, upstanding man, 97 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,840 and then he met us three horsewomen of the apocalypse, 98 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,640 and we've torn his life apart limb from limb. 99 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,960 You've castrated him, chopped his balls off, 100 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,280 parading them around in front of him like a pair of tarnished earrings 101 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,800 - from TK Maxx. - He's a shell of a man, 102 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,640 and you've shucked out all of his insides with a knife 103 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,680 and a little bit of lemon. 104 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,120 And today we're reminding that shell that he's an upstanding man 105 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:42,720 who brings an income into the house, and he's a team captain. 106 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,200 If he can be captain here, 107 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,320 he can be captain of communications at Drayton Hicks. 108 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,200 Coo-ee! Captain Dev! 109 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:51,640 She's fucking desperate. 110 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,080 It's dead. 111 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,720 - Oh! - My handsome captain. Suits you. 112 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,760 King of all you survey. 113 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,200 Captain of the Seven Seas. 114 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,360 We could do this every weekend if you went back to work. 115 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,720 Ready to set sail, my first mate? 116 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,000 Anchors aweigh. 117 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,040 BOTH MOAN 118 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,960 ENGINE STRUGGLES 119 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960 ENGINE STRUGGLES 120 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,600 That's weird. First time that's happened to me, actually. 121 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,400 Never mind. Lisa always did like a warm-up first. 122 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,760 Have you tried putting the keys...? 123 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,200 - Have you tried putting the keys in and turning the engine on? - Yeah. 124 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,400 I'm out of ideas. 125 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,480 Oh, no. Just when I was starting to feel like myself again. 126 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,400 Maybe we should all go home. 127 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,360 I'm afraid I may not be captain after all. 128 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,720 No, no, no. It's all right. 129 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,280 We can stay on the boat and enjoy it from the dock. 130 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,560 It's the best view, anyway, to watch Captain Dev in action! 131 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,960 Hold this thing. I need to focus. 132 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,360 I'll take this, then. 133 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,640 Captain Billie. 134 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,360 Look at all this. 135 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,360 The beauty. 136 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,440 The view's not bad either. 137 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,720 I've always wanted to conceive our son at sea, 138 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,400 since I found out that was an option. 139 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,560 - You feeling seasick yet? - No. Taken all my pills. 140 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,960 In fact... 141 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,840 ..the rocking motion of the boat 142 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,920 could help stimulate forward momentum to ensure fertilisation. 143 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,280 Imagine my little sperm and your little egg. 144 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,680 Don't know about you, but I think it's about time those two meet. 145 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,480 - Seb, can you give me a hand, please? - Goodbye, my son. 146 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,280 Until we meet again. 147 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,720 Sorry. It's, er, hormones. 148 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,680 - Face it, Mum, he's a goner. - Agreed. 149 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,160 Sack off this whole boat thing and just send him to counselling. 150 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,760 Lower your fucking voice! 151 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,880 Under no circumstances will Dev be going to therapy. 152 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,760 We don't need a frigid bitch with a lanyard 153 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,280 telling Dev that he's enough. 154 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,200 The fact is he's not, unless he goes back to his job. 155 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,160 I'll just have to retrieve his manhood the old-fashioned way. 156 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,000 - How? - My feminine wiles. 157 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,000 - Your what? - You know, my wiles. 158 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,040 They've never let me down before. 159 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,960 My wiles get us food to eat and keep the bailiffs sweet. 160 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,080 ENGINE STRUGGLES 161 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,520 Lisa's never let me down like this before. 162 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,160 Oh, bother, what a useless bitch she is. 163 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,080 Well, we don't need to be moving 164 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,720 for me to imagine you as captain of the ship. 165 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,400 Come away from the wheel, Dev. 166 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,680 She just won't fucking start. 167 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,960 She won't fucking start! 168 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,480 You're not really talking about the boat, are you, mate? 169 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,920 If he's playing hard to get, it's working. 170 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,480 The man is impenetrable. 171 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,840 Do you think it might be because you let yourself go? 172 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,320 I haven't let myself go. 173 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,280 Well, when was the last time you wore mascara? 174 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,360 Er, she's released herself from the shackles of the patriarchy. 175 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,000 I'm proud of you, Mum. I really am. 176 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,520 Oh, my God, Billie, I've let myself go. 177 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,960 You've forgotten who you are - a glorious, sexy woman. 178 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,120 But she's trapped inside a haggard old wench. 179 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,520 Fish into your purse and get some lippy out, for God's sake, woman. 180 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,160 And while you're rooting around in there, 181 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,840 see if you can find Dev's balls. 182 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,520 I am nothing without my feminine wiles. 183 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,840 Oh, Mum! 184 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,120 I'm so glad I'm young. 185 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,760 Where do you think you're going? 186 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,320 Captain's quarters to see if there's a problem with the engine. 187 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,000 - Right, well, you can't do that. - Why not? 188 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,520 Captain's orders. You can't go down there. 189 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,640 Well, I'll only be a minute. 190 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,280 Right, you two, off the boat. It's cursed. 191 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,840 The whole trip is cursed. 192 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,840 I think we should all leave before things get any worse. 193 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,200 Billie, please! 194 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,840 There are some serious things us men need to discuss. 195 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,920 I can't get the engine going, no matter how hard I try, 196 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,760 - if you catch my drift. - Yeah. 197 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,080 OK. I understand. 198 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,800 The engine is your cock. 199 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,560 - Yeah. - I can't relate, though. I've never had that problem. 200 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,800 It's like my dick is a compass and Josie's true north. 201 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,480 - Right. - Look at us, two men talking. 202 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,680 Isn't it great when two men speak? Real things happen. 203 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,640 Imagine if all men talked about their feelings. We'd be unstoppable. 204 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,640 - I'm so glad we had this talk. - No, no, no, wait! 205 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:24,680 What am I going to do? 206 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,680 I'm supposed to be Deb's protector, to satisfy her. 207 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:30,560 Am I even a man any more? 208 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,640 The most important thing is to never let any of the girls find out 209 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,960 we had this conversation. 210 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,760 They look to us as leaders. They mustn't see weakness. 211 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,680 So what should I do? 212 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,880 Well, Dev, you simply have to get that boat started, 213 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,600 or she's going to find someone else who CAN start the boat. 214 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,960 You're right. No-one can know. 215 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,240 HE EXCLAIMS 216 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,240 Don't worry. I won't tell anyone your dick's broken. 217 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,200 A stowaway. Billie, explain yourself. 218 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,080 I always knew there'd be a mutiny. 219 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,760 I just didn't expect it to be before we'd even left the dock. 220 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,040 He just needs somewhere to lie low for a bit. 221 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,440 He's realised he loves me and wants to be with me. 222 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,920 It's as simple as that. 223 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,880 I'm telling you, he's changed, haven't you, Nicky? 224 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:19,960 Mm? 225 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,880 - Yes, absolutely. - I can't believe this! 226 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,400 He ditched you immediately after you had your abortion. 227 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,680 He put you in debt and he ran away to Manchester. 228 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,560 Look at him! He's ripped! 229 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,880 Sorry, I know that's not the point, but it needs to be said. 230 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,120 I'm telling you, he's changed. 231 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,800 Tell him about your plans for our future together, baby. 232 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,280 Oh...yeah. Big plans. 233 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,880 Just give him a chance. People can change. Trust me. 234 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,040 Why should we? We've already got enough testosterone 235 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,960 between me and Dev, thank you very much. 236 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,760 Don't need anyone dragging down the group average. 237 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,720 You think I'm not manly enough? 238 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,800 I'm never going to like you, Nicky. 239 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,480 There's two men on this boat, 240 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,840 and if me and Dev were going to bring a third into our relationship, 241 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,880 certainly wouldn't be asking you. 242 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,920 Seb's right. Dev is man enough for everyone. 243 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:11,040 That's better. What do you think, Dev, as captain? 244 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,760 Do we give Nicky a second chance? Well, the decision is a tricky one. 245 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,600 It's not hard, is it? 246 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,480 Is it really, Dev? 247 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,320 Now, let's be diplomatic about this. 248 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,160 Nicky can have the day to prove he's changed. 249 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,400 And if by the end of the day he hasn't, he can walk the plank. 250 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,400 By which I mean he can take the bus 251 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,160 because we're not giving him a lift home. 252 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,360 He can't go in the bunk, though. 253 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,240 Me and Josie will be getting busy in there. 254 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,640 Josie's ovulating. Trying for a baby. 255 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,160 NICKY GIGGLES 256 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,360 - Seriously? - I know, it is preposterous, isn't it? 257 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,320 - Why? - Well, if you're old enough to have a kid, 258 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,720 that would make me a grandmother. 259 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,520 And that's nonsense, right? Preposterous. 260 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,400 I don't see the issue, Deb. 261 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,520 I'm not old enough to be a grandmother, obviously. 262 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,440 Totally preposterous. I'm barely a mother. 263 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:08,160 Absolutely. In fact, I wouldn't call you a mother at all. 264 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,840 Thank you, darling. 265 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,080 DUCKS QUACK 266 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240 If you want to stay, you just need to do what you do best 267 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,800 to get in their good books. Play to what they want to hear. 268 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,000 - What do I say? - Tell Mum she looks young. 269 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,040 You might need to speak up, though, because she's senile. 270 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,640 And tell Josie she's the most traumatised, 271 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,280 misunderstood girl in the world. 272 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,880 Don't give her too much eye contact, though, 273 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,440 because she's not used to it and she'll panic. 274 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,480 - It's a lot to remember. - Flirt with them. 275 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,360 Fill their shallow heads with barefaced lies. 276 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,600 Not like when you're telling me the truth about my singing career 277 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,080 and your best mate's a record producer 278 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,760 and together you're going to make me a star. 279 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,360 All right. I'll do my best. It's not going to be easy. 280 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,320 - Thank you. - What about the boys? 281 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,320 Surely they're not going to fall for that. 282 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,960 You really think I'd be an amazing dad? 283 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,600 The best! You know how with some people you can just tell? 284 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,840 I totally get that with you. You're glowing. 285 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,120 Wow. 286 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,760 It's just so much pressure. 287 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,920 You were born to be a dad. This is your time. 288 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,880 You just need to assert your confidence. 289 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,240 Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 290 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,680 I just need to go up to Josie and say, 291 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,000 "Baby, let's get in that bunk and make me a daddy." 292 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:20,400 Yes! If I was half the man either of you two are, I'd be lucky. 293 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,040 Captain Nicky. Has a ring to it. 294 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,520 - You all right there, Dev? - I can see what you're up to, 295 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,320 - and I'm not falling for it. - Mm. 296 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,720 You want some help there, mate? 297 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,120 Or shall we have a chat with Deb 298 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,360 about how you can't get the engine started? 299 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,640 No, thank you. I can do it. 300 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,920 - How did it go? - It's like I'm their god. 301 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,200 You're a genius. 302 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,680 I'm telling you, he's changed. 303 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,120 We faced reality. Billie Bar is over. 304 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,520 - Thank God. - It's now Billie's Bar, 305 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,200 cabaret bar but with me covering Disney classics. 306 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,800 I'm going to do that thing where I sing and lean back on the piano. 307 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,840 - But you can't sing. - Yeah, I thought that too, 308 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,480 until Nicky told me I sound like Amy Winehouse. 309 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,880 - He's amazing. - Just be careful, 310 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,600 or one day you might end up married to a man so hell bent on conceiving 311 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,280 a son, even his crippling motion sickness won't stop him. 312 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,880 Baby, let's get in that bunk and make me a daddy! 313 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,200 In a second, darling. 314 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,960 I don't want him to be a dad almost as much as I don't want to be a mum. 315 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,360 Maybe you just need to go in there and be really confident. 316 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,760 Men talk a big game, but really, they're scared little babies. 317 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:46,800 He'll panic. 318 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,520 But how do I appear more sexually confident? 319 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,920 - Use your wiles. - I don't have any wiles. 320 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,480 Yes, you do. Show some skin. Come on, let's get this off. 321 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,040 OK. Maybe a bit more skin. Let's do this one. 322 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,520 Fucking hell. Do you need four vests on? 323 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,960 - It's cold. - Go in there and you scare that boy soft. 324 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:10,800 Captain's orders. In fact, you should take this for confidence. 325 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,240 Josie, you're down to your fifth undershirt. 326 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,800 Hello, sailor. Are you going to fuck me? 327 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,840 - Give it a go, yeah. - What position are you going to do? 328 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,080 All of them. 329 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,880 - What's that? - It's tongue. - It feels weird. 330 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,760 Yeah, I know, but I think we're just supposed to go with it. 331 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,600 Choke me. 332 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,440 - My hands are too slippery. - What's the matter? Can't get hard? 333 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,040 - I'm trying, OK? - Are you going to fuck me or not, sailor? 334 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,240 No! OK? I'm scared. What happened to the Josie I know? 335 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,720 The one who has sex with the lights off 336 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,960 and keeps her pants on one leg so she can put them back on again 337 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,080 the second I pull out, my self-conscious little sex kitten? 338 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,840 - I miss her. - So you're not going to fuck me? 339 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,200 But what about our son? 340 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,160 I'm not having my son come out of this, Josie. 341 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,760 Not like this. 342 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,760 It worked! Yes! You were right. 343 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,480 - My wiles are too powerful. - Yes! 344 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,360 I mean, it's a bit sad, don't you think? 345 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,640 What? 346 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,240 The one person who wants to fuck you doesn't want to fuck you any more. 347 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,560 Oh. 348 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,320 - Oh, no. - Captain Josie, 349 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,880 the Unfuckable Queen of the Seven Seas. 350 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,400 Maybe Lisa is cursed. That's not the woman I married. 351 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,720 - That's a monster. - It's just an off day. You're doing fine. 352 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,800 - That's not true. - Look, mate, it's just an off day. You're doing fine. 353 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,040 All right. Yeah. You're right. 354 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,840 He's so kind and wise, 355 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,840 and I wish I could turn back time and have him as my best man. 356 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,280 I'm going to ask him to be godfather. 357 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,320 I thought you were going to ask me to be godfather. 358 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,280 Dev, what if the baby needs to learn how to start a boat? 359 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,520 He needs a godfather who can be a man. 360 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:08,720 Someone he can look up to. 361 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,880 Nicky's not the massive legend you think he is, you know. 362 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,840 I'm sorry. Just looking out for my son. 363 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,560 Accept it, mate. 364 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,800 Lisa's dead. 365 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,600 Am I really unfuckable? 366 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,400 I just came in to say that... you're really complicated, 367 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,120 and it must be really hard being you. 368 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,280 - Really? Do you mean it? - Yep. 369 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,200 Do you think anyone would miss me if I killed myself? 370 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,920 Yeah, I'm sure they would. 371 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,000 But don't, because you're really special and that. 372 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,400 Can you say that again? 373 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,800 You're really special and you've got loads of trauma. 374 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,640 - What the fuck are you doing? - OK, I'm really sorry. 375 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,720 You just come in here and you start talking dirty to me. 376 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,280 I was powerless. 377 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,200 It wasn't me. It was the hat, I swear. 378 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:13,720 Please don't tell anyone about this. 379 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,680 - What, that you kissed me? - Mm-hm. - I won't tell a fucking soul. 380 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,240 Well? Do you approve? 381 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,680 - Er... - So you really like him, then? You really like him? 382 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,880 - Billie, I... - He's changed, he really has. 383 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,080 He wants everything between us to be 50/50. 384 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,600 That's why I'm funding Billie's Bar and he's running it. 385 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,040 - It just makes financial sense. - You've done what? 386 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,280 Yeah, I'm a guarantor. Pretty fancy. 387 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,920 And between me and you, I did take out a massive loan to make it work, 388 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,280 but you've got to spend money to make money in this business, 389 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,720 like I said. 390 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,080 - Yeah, I just... - Do you want to hear one of the songs I'm going to sing 391 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,480 - at Billie's Bar? - Are... 392 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:56,000 393 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,600 394 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,360 395 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,720 396 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,680 Hello, sailor. Do you want to go downstairs for a quickie? 397 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,200 Er, not right now, Deb. I just need to sort something. 398 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,800 - Be honest - am I still fuckable? - I'm so sorry. 399 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,400 I just need to speak to Seb for a second. 400 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,320 I haven't stripped you of your manhood, have I? 401 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:21,760 - I have to go. - Talk to me, Dev. Communicate. 402 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,200 You can fix Lisa. You're a man, I promise. 403 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,200 Just tell me you want to fuck me. 404 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,280 Face it, Deb, Lisa's dead. I give up. 405 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,480 I'm no captain. 406 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,160 Oh, shit. The breaker's off. 407 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,160 Without that, the engine won't start. 408 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,360 - So you can start the engine? - Of course I can. 409 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,640 - Have I really let myself go? - No. - Really? 410 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,000 Yeah. You look well young. Actually, when I first met you, 411 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,080 I thought you were the youngest sister. 412 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,600 I just feel like men don't notice me any more. 413 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,280 - Well, I notice you. - Do you? - Yeah. 414 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,400 I can't believe you'd be a grandmother. 415 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,200 You'd be a freak of science if that happened. 416 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,800 You'd be in the Guinness Book of World Records. 417 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,680 Do you think I'm fuckable? 418 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:18,960 Is... 419 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,360 420 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,760 421 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,920 422 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,880 That's absolutely fantastic, but I really just... 423 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,360 424 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,160 425 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,520 426 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,800 Don't you dare tell a fucking soul about this. 427 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,560 Of course I wouldn't. Wouldn't want the house to be uncomfortable 428 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,360 while I'm living in it, now, would I? 429 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,600 Nicky! How did it go? 430 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,040 Did you two get to know each other? 431 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,720 - Well, Mum, do you approve? - Are... - Say Nicky can stay. 432 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,320 All right. He can stay. 433 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,480 You're the best mum in the world. 434 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,240 You know what? I feel like singing. 435 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,320 436 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,480 - You bastard! - What happened? 437 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,560 Adultery. 438 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,640 - Er, well, I wouldn't go as far... - He kissed my wife. 439 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:18,160 - What? - All right, mate, calm down. - I will not calm down, good sir. 440 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,240 - Seb, please. - Not right now, darling. I'm defending your honour. 441 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,280 This is for my son. 442 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,520 Ah! 443 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,360 - Don't make me do this, mate. - I want you to. 444 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:29,680 NICKY SIGHS 445 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,040 SEB GROANS 446 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,280 Ouch! 447 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,720 OK. 448 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,000 All right. Well, I can tell when I've been bested. 449 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,120 - She's yours. - Mate, she kissed me. 450 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,480 - DEB: - Er, I've got to be completely honest here. 451 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,920 Josie, that is absolutely shameful behaviour. 452 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,360 - A mutiny if ever I saw one. - It wasn't me. 453 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,080 - It was the hat. I swear. - It is true. The hat is cursed. 454 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,920 Right. I see the problem here. 455 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,040 Josie, apologise to your husband. 456 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,200 - Sorry, Seb. - It's all right. I know what it is. 457 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:17,560 She's ovulating. She can't help it. Merciless to her own body. 458 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,560 She's like a dog on heat. She's feral. 459 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,480 He's right. I'm on heat. It's my hormones. 460 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,040 - Sorry, Billie. - Don't apologise to me. Apologise to him. 461 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,040 My whole body went cold. 462 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:37,800 Like death passed through my lips. Like she was sucking out my soul. 463 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,360 I was scared, mate. I was scared. 464 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:41,880 Sorry, Nicky. 465 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,720 There you go. Apology accepted. 466 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,520 And while we're telling the truth... 467 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,400 ..I struggled to get an erection this morning. 468 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,560 There, I've said it. 469 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,600 There's nothing more manly 470 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,760 than a man admitting he can't get an erection. 471 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,000 - Nicky, apologise to Seb. - Sorry, Seb. 472 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,920 Well, well, well, Nicky. Did you see who she picked? 473 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,720 Yes, sirree, she chose me. She... She's mine. 474 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,640 I didn't want her. 475 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,080 Look at him. Absolutely gutted. 476 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,760 Guess the best man won, eh? Put it there, brother. 477 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:22,720 And there we have it. 478 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,840 You know, we have a saying at work. 479 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,560 "Communication is key," 480 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,680 and communication really is... 481 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,640 - ..key. - That is a brilliant saying, Dev, 482 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,440 and I'm sure there's many more to learn at Drayton Hicks. 483 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,840 I'm sure there is too, Deb. 484 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,200 One last try. 485 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,640 ENGINE STARTS 486 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,800 - Lisa's not dead after all. - Fantastic! 487 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,240 Captain Dev. 488 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,680 No, Deb. I'm no captain. 489 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:57,840 I'm a man. 490 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,640 You can both be godfather. He can have two godfathers. 491 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,600 The manliest baby in the world. Imagine that. Two godfathers. 492 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,240 Now that's a sequel I'd like to see. 493 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,120 So how are you going to get out of sex with Seb? 494 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,080 I'm going to use my feminine wiles. 495 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,880 - Do you want to touch my dick? - No, thank you. 496 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,360 The old Josie. I've missed you. 497 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,040 Tell me again how turned on you are. 498 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,080 - I'm not turned on. - Turns me on so much. 499 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,720 - Look at me. - I don't want to. - Take off your pants. 500 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:37,960 I'd rather keep them on. 501 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:41,400 I'm going to... I'm going to... 502 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,360 Get in there, my son! 503 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,880 It happened. Sorry. 504 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,480 Have to try again tomorrow. 505 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,120 Gutted. 506 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,200 MOANING 507 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,040 Oh! I got the boat going! 508 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,200 Lisa's not dead after all. 509 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,320 Absolutely you did. 510 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,520 Oh, you're the manliest man of all. 511 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,880 Dare I say it? You've got your mojo back. 512 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,080 You know, you're right. 513 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,560 And I think I've realised what my calling is. 514 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,600 You're going to take the head of communications job? 515 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,520 I've got something much better than head of communications. 516 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:29,720 Head of Drayton Hicks? 517 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:34,440 No. I'm going to become a counsellor. 518 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,840 A men's mental health counsellor. 519 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,920 Communication is key for men. 520 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,560 Of course, it'll be much, much lower money. 521 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,240 Terrible pay. Terrible. 522 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,840 But it's not about the money, is it? You're right, Deb. 523 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,960 I finally feel like myself again. 524 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,320 Hello? 525 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,640 Deb? 526 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,000 Out cold. 527 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,200 HE CHUCKLES 528 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,200 I always slept better when I'm on Lisa too. 529 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:09,840 Goodnight, Lisa. 530 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,800 - I'm Deb. - I know.